[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I came this close!!!!
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Going into Monday like
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya