The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
You Might Also Like
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.