When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
What the dentist sees
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Mission: Impossible
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.