Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
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The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
umm…
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury