[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
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If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.