Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
#TopTip
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Current mood: Potato
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.