wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.