Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You Might Also Like
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Who says great literature is dead?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.