I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
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Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Just so funny
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars