Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out