Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
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Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
馃敳 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
馃敳 Good at building blanket forts
馃敳 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
馃敳 toilet paper roll goes OVER
馃敳 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone鈥檚 hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It鈥檚 the lyrics from Despacito.
GF: um鈥攜ou said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
The dark side of Canada
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren鈥檛 we all
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Almost nailed it! 馃槀馃ぃ
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
August 8
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I’m about to risk it all
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don鈥檛 stop, I will.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how鈥檚 this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better