I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
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[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.