my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.