If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
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Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
The news is so predictable nowadays
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT