Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
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*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
selfie game
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.