I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Pringles
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore