Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.