Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?