[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.