Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
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At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up