I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
You Might Also Like
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes