Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
buying dead houseplants to save time
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one