if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it