[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
You Might Also Like
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all