If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
You Might Also Like
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
#gardening
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.