[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
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Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.