[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
selena gomez
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.