A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”