him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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I love the National Park Service.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
wait.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?