Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*