According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
saving face 👀
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.