Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
You Might Also Like
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible