Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳