All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…