My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
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Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I only eat vegetarians.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked