Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
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My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
This is my brand.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.