*performs CPR on the turkey*
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I WON A HAM TODAY
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.