My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
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Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
“A little help here, Danny?”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.