Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues