Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I finally found a reason to live again.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?