Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
🤣could you imagine
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”