Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?