When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
twitter users today:
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Sorry. Not sorry
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.