[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me, flirting😏
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Seals are just dog mermaids.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.