After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.