Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
These are my roll models.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!