I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
馃槼
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i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
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“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
[fumbling with my phone as I鈥檓 being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Here鈥檚 a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It鈥檚 wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Trick your partner into thinking you鈥檝e been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today