I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*