The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
You Might Also Like
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.