There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
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got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.